I've turned fifty

and in a way became half visible.  Young eyes don't see me or see me as a news from far away on TV.  Standing just a breath away from each other on a train, the girl and I live in different worlds.  Or we live in a different time in the same world.  D said, when he was a little over 40,  "No one looks at me any more," with a great disappointment.

Yes I am well familiar with that leftover feeling, but I'm sorry D, that you don't get to know the pleasure of getting old.  I believe we (living people) develop some special taste buds for the vision; the flavor gets more and more intense as we age, because it is closely linked to our decades' memories good and bad.  That is why only old people can sit on stoops and watch outside all day.

Things we used to say to each other

• It's your turn to clean the cat box.
• We have NO TIME!
• Will you do the dishes?
• You leave hairs in the sink again!
• Is the oven ON?
• You get the phone.
• No.

-I have no guts to post those really horrible things I've said to him. 

When I'm by myself

Found in D's sketch book.  There's no title or date on the page.

_________________
When I'm by myself
I don't need nobody else
I'm like a baseball
Made of rubber bands
Hands in my pockets
Like a regular man
I can hear my name
On the lips of the slip-lipped
When I'm passing by alone
In the grip of my fantasy.
Everything calls my name
Everything calls my name
When I'm by myself
I sit like a regular cat
Now becomes forever
It flicks and clicks
As the wind jumps and subsides.
                                        respires.
I'm all alone
As the breeze breathes
I'm all alone As the night sighs.
I'm all alone
As the grass grows.

God, I miss him

I wish a wise old man with a long lumpy cane would appear and take me to where he is.  Or he would tell me where I could have a glimpse of him, at least.  It may be in a puddle on Franklin Avenue, may be in a passing train on the next track, or may be in the cat's eye (when dilated!).

In my dream

I was told I had cancer.  I asked where and the doctor touched his throat.  Can you take it out, I said, the doctor shook his head.

afternoon run

I'm just got back from running.  It hit me, to whom now can I describe a guy came out of a brand-new wine shop on Kent Avenue?   The riverside park was filled with couples, young and old, strolling in the late afternoon light.  No reason for me to envy them, because I once had the happy time with my guy, did what they were doing now.  There is time for everything, right?

Taking three days off.

Yesterday: I went to grocery shopping, really took my time there, checking almost every product on the shelves.  I walked slowly to the store and back.  I made grapefruit jelly.  I started reading Haruki Murakami book, which I was saving for this little vacation.  I did some crochet, watched Netflix movie and Hell's Kitchen on TV.

Today: I went to a laundromat to wash heavy bath rug and comforter cover.  I bought myself an ice latte at the corner coffee shop.  It was delicious.  Then I played with my cat while putting a fresh sheet on my bed.  That's his ritual at the change of sheets --get under the sheet and run around.  

I went to a junk shop and bought a little red glass creamer (or sauce pitcher) for 99 cents, and then stopped at the pet shop to get some cat food.   Sometimes I stick my head out the window and watch the gusting winds for a while. (we are supposed to have a severe rain storm today but so far no rain)   

Now I'm going to watch 5 o'clock news to check weather forecast.  I must love storms. Tomorrow I'll read more, lying down on the sofa. I'll have my hair cut early afternoon, I'll meet my friend and go to Elmhurst for vietnamese dinner.  

I realize I had never been so happy for a long time.